you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
