The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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