life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
