Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Randomize
