just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
