My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
