My girlfriend figured out who you are.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
