what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
