I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
