i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
