If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
