My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
