Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
