I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
