In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
