need another drink. this is the easiest way
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I wish life had little blips of pornography
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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