You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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