Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
dude. I can hear the air.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
