Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
