I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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