dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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