No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
