is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
