My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
