life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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