I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Randomize
