OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
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