i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
