Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
