I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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