6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
