FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
