i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
me + whiskey = a bad person
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
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