why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
