she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
