She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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