Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
That's intense
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
