3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
