Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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