remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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