if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
