do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
