You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
