I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
