look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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