The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
