You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
