Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
