you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
