Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
